Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Randomize
