we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
