I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
