The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
