also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im holly from the hills drunk
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I FOUND THE LEGS
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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