I have demons in me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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