The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
