when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
