I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
