Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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