i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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