please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
did you just send me my own nude
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
