you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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