Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
