I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
