i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just want nice things and good sex
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
