Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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