I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
