Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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