There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
