When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
