i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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