I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just googled if crying burns calories
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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