I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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