If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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