my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
