Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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