I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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