she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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