I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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