Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
