After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
