do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
ok first of all what the fuck
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
