I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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