You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
They took my balls.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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