Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
