ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize