why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
