shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
