There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
