The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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