make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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