All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
