literally had 100 drinks last night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
