I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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