I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize