sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
