the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
COCAINE IS GR8
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
