Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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