I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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