someone threw a dead crab at me
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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