i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
