I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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