"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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