So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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