Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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