I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
