ugly people sure do ruin things
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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