ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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