you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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