I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
