Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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