Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
