And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
