Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
