didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
