I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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