I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
