he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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