I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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