I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
