After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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